Maybe God exists but doesn't hear me because I don't believe enough. I looked for him for years, but I couldn't find him. Maybe I wasn't supposed to look but simply have faith that he was there. Now I am lost in the dark and there is no light to guide me home, the future looms closer all the time with nothing to show for all I have done. If God exists maybe I'm just not good enough for him. Everyone thinks I am so nice, but than everyone also thought I was independent and look where I am now. I am so alone I can barely function, it's all a show with nothing underneath.
Last night I called M, I reached out to him for comfort and support. I heard her in the background tell him not to talk to me and he did not. I am completely on my own.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A start
I keep coming back to this page wanting to make an entry. The last six months have been I think the hardest and possibly worst six months of my life. I wanted to try to put it down in words to help process it now and remember later. But I just can't. M's betrayal is still just to raw and I can't put it in words without fearing I will fall apart again.
However, today I had a little moment of discovery. A glimpse of something I found kind of cool. I love to cook and I dearly love to watch people eat the food I made for them. Something thats been a challenge this past month is eating, I don't want to. But I'v made myself cook everyday. I eat a healthy breakfast and dinner everyday of actual home cooked food. I'v never been much for breakfast, but if you want to lose weight you need to eat first thing in the morning (50 pounds and counting!!) so I make the effort. I'v been playing around with an egg souffle. Pretty easy, start some peppers and mushrooms in your cast iron skillet while you beat up 4 eggs, add some cheese and a sliced up tomato to the eggs. Pour over the veggies in your pan and pop it in the oven at 350 for @ 15 min. (start your oven before you slice up your veggies). It makes enough for two, or if your in my boat it's either two days of breakfast or you get lunch out of it to. Today was actually the first time I used a tomato and after 15 min it didn't seem quite done, so I stuck it back in the oven for another 5 min. I totally stressed out over it, what if it burns, what if I ruined it? Thats when I realized it didn't matter! So what if I ruin this one? I bought the eggs and I made the effort and it was for me, not the President. Not even for M. So if I ruined it I would know, 20 min is to long, next time try 18. It was a very liberating moment for me. And my souffle turned out beautiful. :-)
However, today I had a little moment of discovery. A glimpse of something I found kind of cool. I love to cook and I dearly love to watch people eat the food I made for them. Something thats been a challenge this past month is eating, I don't want to. But I'v made myself cook everyday. I eat a healthy breakfast and dinner everyday of actual home cooked food. I'v never been much for breakfast, but if you want to lose weight you need to eat first thing in the morning (50 pounds and counting!!) so I make the effort. I'v been playing around with an egg souffle. Pretty easy, start some peppers and mushrooms in your cast iron skillet while you beat up 4 eggs, add some cheese and a sliced up tomato to the eggs. Pour over the veggies in your pan and pop it in the oven at 350 for @ 15 min. (start your oven before you slice up your veggies). It makes enough for two, or if your in my boat it's either two days of breakfast or you get lunch out of it to. Today was actually the first time I used a tomato and after 15 min it didn't seem quite done, so I stuck it back in the oven for another 5 min. I totally stressed out over it, what if it burns, what if I ruined it? Thats when I realized it didn't matter! So what if I ruin this one? I bought the eggs and I made the effort and it was for me, not the President. Not even for M. So if I ruined it I would know, 20 min is to long, next time try 18. It was a very liberating moment for me. And my souffle turned out beautiful. :-)
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