What a blast from the past, I guess journaling just isn't my thing!

mmmmm bread

I'm pretty happy that I can have bread!! yum yum. And (woohoo) I finally learned how to make a poached egg :)

What can I say, I am easily amused. Any way, so far so good. Nothing really interesting to report, but I'm trying to stay with the blog as they keep saying that the more you make of it the better it will work.

One thing I have not done is weigh myself. I had lost @ 50 pounds between summer of '10 and summer of '11. I was down around 195ish. I am pretty sure I've gained a bit, so I put my weight in as 210, I'm fairly certain I'm not more than that (I hope!). so I'm putting off the big reveal for a couple of weeks. Once again, it's all about making myself feel good.

:)

A new start

So, when I started (restarted, started again...) this blog I really didn't have any direction for what I would write. I think I was just seeing what I would want to share, and looking back it was mostly school, the animals and of course the man I was with. I'm done with that for now, I am further from it than I was but why risk any self inflicted flogging? I've already done more than enough of that.

I have started a new chapter and feel like seeing if talking about it here will help or not. I do not know, this restart may be yet another false start. We'll just have to see.

So the new addition to my life? I started Weight Watchers online program. They were doing a no sign up fee special, so why not? WW works, it's consistently ranked as the number one weight lose program on the market today, that plus it's actually one of the cheapest at just under $19 a month.

It's been a full week now and I lost 50 pounds!! OK, not really :) Actually I didn't do a very good job of sticking to the program, but that was my intent. Two reasons, first I had food in my kitchen that had very poor point values and I was not about to throw food away! Second, I wanted to see how I eat in general and how many points I was taking in eating as I was. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I'm eating at about maintenance amounts now and that will not help me lose weight. Actually, I am prolly eating more than that, but even though I had not really tried to restrict my eating last week, being so aware by recording what I ate very likely caused me to show SOME restraint!

So today was the first "OK your doing this now" day and I can't believe how much food I ate and I still have 7 points left! And WW is very clear about they say you should eat ALL your points everyday to avoid feeling deprived. So here I am at 11:PM trying to think what should I eat? I believe I will go with a large glass of milk. At 4 points per 8oz, a large glass should edge right up on 8 points. That will use one weekly point, and will be yummy.

oh, let me say something about how many points you get. You have a certain number of points based on your weight that is your "daily" allotment. Plus, you can earn points through exercise (I earn 1 point for every 10 minutes of walking the dogs. I would earn more if I walked quickly instead, but it's more fun with the dogs. So today after three outings with Rikka I am at 80 minutes/8 extra points). You have a choice on exercise points, you can chose to add them to your daily balance where you can only use them on that day. Or you can chose to roll them over for the whole week. Either way, any you don't use in the allotted time you lose. Lastly you can chose to track them but NOT add points to your program. This is the option I went with. Finally, you get an additional 49 points for weekly use, you can use a few daily or save them up for a special occasion. That's allot of points! Not if you want pizza every day, but with some good choices you have plenty. I have 30 points a day and 49 extra per week. Right now I have used 23 points and I ate ALLOT today! I had salad and yogurt and fruit and even a cup of mixed nuts! yum.

In fact, just for today I think I will list my foods:
Breakfast;
Activia yogurt- 3 pts
Clementine- 0 pts

Midday;
Turkey soup made by my lovely neighbor
Turkey 3oz- 2 pts
Cup of wild rice- 4 pts
Mushrooms- 0 pts
Carrots- 0 pts
Onion- 0 pts

Mid afternoon;
Planters mixed nuts 1 oz- 5 pts
2 slices of bread- 2 pts (lite 12 grain)
tomatoes- 0 pts
cucumber- 0 pts

Evening;
Salad
2 cups mixed greens- 0 pts
Cucumber- 0 pts
Mushrooms- 0 pts
Tomatoes- 0 pts
Dried cranberries- 3 pts
Vinaigrette- 0 pts

Sandwich
1 slice toast- 1 pts
1 poached egg- 2 pts
1 wedge WW cheese- 1 pts

So there you go, 23 points and ALLOT of food!

So, here goes.
:)

Maybe God exists but doesn't hear me because I don't believe enough. I looked for him for years, but I couldn't find him. Maybe I wasn't supposed to look but simply have faith that he was there. Now I am lost in the dark and there is no light to guide me home, the future looms closer all the time with nothing to show for all I have done. If God exists maybe I'm just not good enough for him. Everyone thinks I am so nice, but than everyone also thought I was independent and look where I am now. I am so alone I can barely function, it's all a show with nothing underneath.

Last night I called M, I reached out to him for comfort and support. I heard her in the background tell him not to talk to me and he did not. I am completely on my own.

A start

I keep coming back to this page wanting to make an entry. The last six months have been I think the hardest and possibly worst six months of my life. I wanted to try to put it down in words to help process it now and remember later. But I just can't. M's betrayal is still just to raw and I can't put it in words without fearing I will fall apart again.

However, today I had a little moment of discovery. A glimpse of something I found kind of cool. I love to cook and I dearly love to watch people eat the food I made for them. Something thats been a challenge this past month is eating, I don't want to. But I'v made myself cook everyday. I eat a healthy breakfast and dinner everyday of actual home cooked food. I'v never been much for breakfast, but if you want to lose weight you need to eat first thing in the morning (50 pounds and counting!!) so I make the effort. I'v been playing around with an egg souffle. Pretty easy, start some peppers and mushrooms in your cast iron skillet while you beat up 4 eggs, add some cheese and a sliced up tomato to the eggs. Pour over the veggies in your pan and pop it in the oven at 350 for @ 15 min. (start your oven before you slice up your veggies). It makes enough for two, or if your in my boat it's either two days of breakfast or you get lunch out of it to. Today was actually the first time I used a tomato and after 15 min it didn't seem quite done, so I stuck it back in the oven for another 5 min. I totally stressed out over it, what if it burns, what if I ruined it? Thats when I realized it didn't matter! So what if I ruin this one? I bought the eggs and I made the effort and it was for me, not the President. Not even for M. So if I ruined it I would know, 20 min is to long, next time try 18. It was a very liberating moment for me. And my souffle turned out beautiful. :-)

The Man

I'v decided that from now on, instead of referring to The Man as The Man I will simply call him M. Possibly not so exciting as Sex in the City's Mr. Big or the infamous "Charlie" of Charlie's Angels. Still however, it's easy and less ostentatious than referring to him as The Man. After all, that would imply that there are no men before him as The implies the highest title applicable to any familial or clan line. And Man would apply to all male citizens of these United States. So to call him The Man is to imply that he is the foremost male of our population. WOW I really over thought that one did I not?

In any case, man starts with an m, so from now on he is M. Those of you out there who actually might read this (OK, the one person that I know who actually reads this!!) may find this somewhat amusing. I'm OK with that...

Partner is on his way

Partner left here @ 5:30pm on a Bob Hubbard truck. The driver and assistant seemed both nice and comfortingly competent. On the other hand, Partner would not load for them at all. I was happy though that rather than fight with him, they allowed me to try to load him and he went right in. Felt a bit guilty as I gave him a kiss and a hug then left him there. He is going from here to Lexington KY, he should arrive there @ 1am and will overnight at their facility before being loaded onto a West bound truck for the trip up to MN. His instructions to the shipping company call for him to face backward in a stall and a half, I was happy that he was actually able to leave VA in a box stall as the truck only had three other horses on it for this trip. It was very nicely bedded with at least eight inches of straw and I witnessed them fork over at least two very fluffy flakes of grass hay to keep him happy. Not that he was actually happy! The road at Walnut Cove Farm leads up beside the pasture he has been in for the last two and a half years, until he was out of sight I could hear him calling to his pasture mates. The geldings in his field called back to him as he left and if I had not already had to fight back tears at Partner's departure I would have had to start then.